[lfjokes] Great moments in the courtroom...

[Simondo]

 These are from a book called "Disorder in the Court."
 These are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken 
 down and now published by court reporters - who had the torment of
 staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.

 ----------------------------------------------------------------
 Q: What is your date of birth?
 A: July fifteenth.
 Q: What year?
 A: Every year
    -------------------------------------------------------------
 Q: What gear were you in at moment of the impact?
 A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
    ---------------------------------------------------------
 Q: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
 A: Yes.
 Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
 A: I forget.
 Q: You forget. Can you give us an example of something you've forgotten?
    ----------------------------------------------------------
 Q: How old is your son, the one living with you.
 A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
 Q: How long has he lived with you?
 A: Forty-five years.
    ---------------------------------------------------------
 Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke up 
that morning?
 A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
 Q: And why did that upset you?
 A: My name is Susan.
    --------------------------------------------------------
 Q: And where was the location of the accident?
 A: Approximately milepost 499.
 Q: And where is milepost 499?
 A: Probably between milepost 498 and 500.
    ----------------------------------------------------
 Q: Sir, what is your IQ?
 A: Well, I can see pretty well, I think.
    ----------------------------------------------------
 Q: Did you blow your horn or anything?
 A: After the accident?
 Q: Before the accident.
 A: Sure, I played for 10 years. I even went to school for it.
    --------------------------------------------------
 Q: Officer, when you stopped the defendant, were your red and blue
 lights flashing?
 A: Yes.
 Q: Did the defendant say anything when she got out of her car?
 A: Yes, sir.
 Q: What did she say?
 A: What disco am I at?
    ------------------------------------------------------------
 Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he
 doesn't know about it until the next morning?
    ----------------------------------------------------
 Q: The youngest son, the 20-year old, how old is he?
    ---------------------------------------------------
 Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?
    ------------------------------------------------------
 Q: So the date of conception of (the baby) was August 8th?
 A: Yes.
 Q: And what were you doing at that time?
    ------------------------------------------------------
 Q: She had three children, right?
 A: Yes.
 Q: How many were boys?
 A: None.
 Q: Were there any girls?
    ---------------------------------------------------------
 Q: You say the stairs went down to the basement?
 A: Yes.
 Q: And these stairs, did they go up also?
    -----------------------------------------------------
 Q: How was your first marriage terminated?
 A: By death.
 Q: And by whose death was it terminated?
    ----------------------------------------------------
 Q: Can you describe the individual?
 A: He was about medium height and had a beard.
 Q: Was this a male or a female?
    --------------------------------------------------
 Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice
that I sent to your attorney?
 A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
    ------------------------------------------------------
 Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
 A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
    --------------------------------------------------
 Q: All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
 A: Oral.
    --------------------------------------------------
 Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
 A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
 Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?
 A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy.
    --------------------------------------------------
 Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
    --------------------------------------------------------
 Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
 A: No.
 Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
 A: No.
 Q: Did you check for breathing?
 A: No.
 Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the 
autopsy?
 A: No.
 Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
 A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
 Q: But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?
 A: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law 
somewhere.
    -----------------------------------------------------
 Judge: "Well Sir, I have reviewed this case and I've decided to give 
your wife $775 a week."
 Husband: "That's fair, your honour. I'll try to send her a few bucks 
myself."