[lfjokes] A letter

[simondo]

A letter to the London Observer from Terry Jones (ex Monty Python).

Letter to the Observer Sunday January 26, 2003 

The Observer 

I'm really excited by George Bush's latest reason for bombing Iraq: he's 
running out of patience. And so am I! For some time now I've been 
really pissed off with Mr Johnson, who lives a couple of doors down the
street. Well, him and Mr Patel, who runs the health food shop.  They
both give me queer looks, and I'm sure Mr Johnson is planning
something nasty for me, but so far I haven't been able to discover
what. I've been round to his place a few times to see what he's up to,
but he's got everything well hidden. That's how devious he is. As for
Mr Patel, don't ask me how I know, I just know - from very good
sources - that he is, in reality, a Mass Murderer. I have leafleted
the street telling them that if we don't act first, he'll pick us off
one by one. Some of my neighbours say, if I've got proof, why don't I
go to the police? But that's simply ridiculous. The police will say
that they need evidence of a crime with which to charge my neighbours.
They'll come up with endless red tape and quibbling about the rights
and wrongs of a pre-emptive strike and all the while Mr Johnson will
be finalising his plans to do terrible things to me, while Mr Patel
will be secretly murdering people. Since I'm the only one in the
street with a decent range of automatic firearms, I reckon it's up to
me to keep the peace. But until recently that's been a little
difficult. Now, however, George W. Bush has made it clear that all I
need to do is run out of patience, and then I can wade in and do
whatever I want! And let's face it, Mr Bush's carefully thought-out
policy towards Iraq is the only way to bring about international peace
and security. The one certain way to stop Muslim fundamentalist
suicide bombers targeting the US or the UK is to bomb a few Muslim
countries that have never threatened us. That's why I want to blow up
Mr Johnson's garage and kill his wife and children. Strike first! 
That'll teach him a lesson. Then he'll leave us in peace and stop
peering at me in that totally unacceptable way. Mr Bush makes it clear
that all he needs to know before bombing Iraq is that Saddam is a
really nasty man and that he has weapons of mass destruction - even if
no one can find them. I'm certain I've just as much justification for
killing Mr Johnson's wife and children as Mr Bush has for bombing
Iraq. Mr Bush's long-term aim is to make the world a safer place by
eliminating 'rogue states' and 'terrorism'. It's such a clever
long-term aim because how can you ever know when you've achieved 
it? How will Mr Bush know when he's wiped out all terrorists? When 
every single terrorist is dead? But then a terrorist is only a terrorist
once he's committed an act of terror. What about would-be terrorists? 
These are the ones you really want to eliminate, since most of the
known terrorists, being suicide bombers, have already eliminated
themselves. Perhaps Mr Bush needs to wipe out everyone who could
possibly be a future terrorist? Maybe he can't be sure he's achieved
his objective until every Muslim fundamentalist is dead? But then some
moderate Muslims might convert to fundamentalism. Maybe the only
really safe thing to do would be for Mr Bush to eliminate all Muslims?
 It's the same in my street. Mr Johnson and Mr Patel are just the tip
of the iceberg. There are dozens of other people in the street who I
don't like and who - quite frankly - look at me in odd ways. No one
will be really safe until I've wiped them all out. My wife says I
might be going too far but I tell her I'm simply using the same logic
as the President of the United States. That shuts her up. Like Mr
Bush, I've run out of patience, and if that's a good enough reason for
the President, it's good enough for me. I'm going to give the whole
street two weeks - no, 10 days - to come out in the open and hand over
all aliens and interplanetary hijackers, galactic outlaws and
interstellar terrorist masterminds, and if they don't hand them over
nicely and say 'Thank you', I'm going to bomb the entire street to
kingdom come. It's just as sane as what George W. Bush is proposing -
and, in contrast to what he's intending, my policy will destroy only
one street.