[lfjokes] True Letter in The Guardian -

[simondo]

...or not...


Text of a letter sent by the Inland Revenue:

Dear Mr Addison,

I am writing to you to express our thanks for your more-than-prompt
reply to our latest communication, and also to answer some of the
points you raise. I will address them, as ever, in order.

Firstly, I must take issue with your description of our last as a
"begging letter". It might perhaps more properly be referred to as a
"tax demand". This is how we, at the Inland Revenue, have always, for
reasons of accuracy, traditionally referred to such documents.

Secondly, your frustration at our adding to the "endless stream of
crapulent whining and panhandling vomited daily through the letterbox
on to the doormat" has been noted. However, whilst I have naturally
not seen the other letters to which you refer, I would cautiously
suggest that their being from "pauper councils, Lombardy pirate
banking houses and pissant gas-mongerers" might indicate that your
decision to "file them next to the toilet in case of emergencies" is
at best a little ill-advised.

In common with my own organisation, it is unlikely that the senders of
these letters do see you as a "lackwit bumpkin" or, come to that, a
"sodding charity". More likely they see you as a citizen of Great
Britain, with a responsibility to contribute to the upkeep of the
nation as a whole.

Which brings me to my next point. Whilst there may be some spirit of
truth in your assertion that the taxes you pay "go to shore up the
canker-blighted, toppling folly that is the Public Services", a
moment's rudimentary calculation ought to disabuse you of the notion
that the government in any way expects you to "stump up for the whole
damned party" yourself. The estimates you provide for the Chancellor's
disbursement of the funds levied by taxation, whilst colourful, are,
in fairness, a little off the mark. Less than you seem to imagine is
spent on "junkets for Bunterish lickspittles" and "dancing ######",
whilst far more than you have accounted for is allocated to, for
example, "that box-ticking facade of a university system".

A couple of technical points arising from direct queries:

1. The reason we don't simply write "Muggins" on the envelope has to
do with the vagaries of the postal system; 2. You can rest assured
that "sucking the very marrows of those with nothing else to give" has
never been considered as a practice because even if the Personal
Allowance didn't render it irrelevant, the sheer medical logistics
involved would make it financially unviable.

I trust this has helped. In the meantime, whilst I would not in any
way wish to influence your decision one way or the other, I ought to
point out that even if you did choose to "give the whole foul jamboree
up and go and live in India" you would still owe us the money. Please
forward it by Friday.

Yours sincerely,

H J Lee,
Customer Relations.