[lfjokes] Customers' Guide to Shopping at Your Local Grocery Store

[Adam Shand]

From: Kevin Zollinger <kevin at zollinger.org>

This is something my father, Richard Green -- a grocery clerk for many
years -- has compiled as a guide for customers.

Rule Number 1 - When in the express lane, make sure that all items are
rung up and bagged before you start looking for your checkbook. Then,
after you make a futile search for your pen, borrow one from the clerk and
make sure your checkbook is balanced before giving up the check.

Rule Number 2 - Never get into the 10-Items-or-Less line with less than 12
items. IT'S THE LAW!!!

Rule Number 3 - When in the 10-Items-or-Less line and you have your 12 to
20 items, always ask the clerk if it's okay. That way, if he says "yes,"
then the people behind you will get mad at HIM, not you. If he says "no,"
then YOU can get mad at him. Either way, you win!

Rule Number 4 - Save all your pennies and dump them in the bottom of your
purse so that when you are in the express lane you won't be embarrassed by
spending all that time looking for one and not finding any.

Rule Number 5 - When asked if you want paper or plastic, take all the time
you need to make the right decision. Don't be rushed; get it right. If
you're not sure just say "BAG." That way they will have to ask you again,
giving you more time to decide. You may want to practice this at home in
case you are ever asked this question at a grocery store.

Rule Number 6 - Always, and I repeat, ALWAYS tell the checker your reason
for choosing paper or plastic. Checkers by nature are very curious, and if
you should fail to give them your reason for choosing paper over plastic
the clerk is liable to lie awake at night wondering why you didn't choose
plastic.

Rule Number 7 - Always keep this in mind: If something is heavy and you
don't want to lift it out of the basket and put it on the belt, don't fret
whether the checker will automatically know the price. After all, everyone
knows how smart those clerks are.

Rule Number 8 - Since everyone knows how ignorant those clerks are, you
must always remember to tell them to not put the eggs and bread in the
bottom of the bag.

Rule Number 9 - Feel free to ask your clerk anything you may want to know.
All checkers are experts on how to prepare whatever meal you should decide
to make that night. They can give you precise directions to anywhere in
the state you might want to go. They can tell you the best restaurant
around, the kind of wine you will like best or anything else you may need
to know about life. After all, everyone knows how smart those clerks are.

Rule Number 10 - Don't forget rule number 8.

Rule Number 11 - After waiting in the checkout line for several minutes
and it's finally your turn at the counter, be sure to tell the clerk that
more help is needed. He will certainly ensure that there is plenty of help
next time.

Rule Number 12 - When the clerk greets you and asks how you're doing,
don't feel pressured into answering him. After all the clerk has to be
polite -- but you don't have to.

Rule Number 13 - When the store is not busy and there is only one check
stand with a light on be sure to ask the nearest clerk which check stand
is open. You don't want to take a chance being tricked into the wrong one.

Rule Number 14 - If the clerk asks you if you know the price of an item,
and you don't, tell him it's "2-something" or "3-something." The clerks
love that because they don't get to use their SOMETHING keys very often.