[lfjokes] Rules for Men

[Adam Shand]

From: MassaFrogz <froggy at paradise.net.nz>

* Friends don't let friends wear Speedos. Ever. Issue closed.

* If a man's zipper is down, that's his problem - you didn't see nothin'.

* Any man who brings a camera to a stag night may be legally killed and
  eaten by his fellow partygoers.

* Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.

* The morning after you and a babe who was formerly "just a friend" have
  carnal drunken monkey s-x, the fact that you're feeling weird and guilty
  is no reason not to nail her again before the discussion about what a
  big mistake it was.

* It is ok for a man to cry under the following circumstances:
  a. When a heroic dog dies to save its master
  b. The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbuttoning her blouse
  c. After wrecking your boss' car.
  d. One hour, 12 minutes, 37 seconds into "The Crying Game".
  e. When your date is using her teeth

* Unless he murdered someone in your family, you must bail a friend out of
  jail within 12 hours.

* When stumbling upon other guys watching a sporting event, you may always
  ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who's
  playing.

* You must offer heartfelt and public condolences over the death of a
  girlfriend's cat, even if it was you who secretly set it on fire and
  threw it into a ceiling fan.

* If you've known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off limits
  forever, unless you actually marry her.

* The minimum amount of time you have to wait for a guy who's running late
  is 5 minutes. Maximum waiting time: 6 minutes. For a girl, you have to
  wait 10 minutes for every point of hotness she scores on the classic
  1-10 scale.

* Bitching about the brand of free beer in a mate's fridge is forbidden.
  Gripe at will if the temperature is unsuitable.  [where I come from
  it's always okay to complain about coors lite - larry]

* No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another man
  (in fact, even remembering your mate's birthday is strictly optional).

* On a road trip, the strongest bladder determines pit stops, not
  the weakest.

* While your girlfriend must bond with your mates' girlfriends within 30
  minutes of meeting them, you are not required to make nice with her gal
  pals' significant dickheads - low level sports bonding is all the law
  requires (sorry, ladies, it's called a double standard and we drew the
  short straw on that one).

* You may flatulate in front of a woman only after you have brought her to
  climax. If you trap her head under the covers for the purpose of
  flatulent entertainment, she's officially your girlfriend.

* It is permissible to quaff a fruity chick drink only when you're sunning
  on a tropical beach... and it's delivered by a topless supermodel... and
  it's free.

* Women who claim they "love to watch sports" must be treated as spies
  until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to drink as
  much beer as the other sports watchers.

* A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must remain
  sober enough to fight.

* Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of pizza,
  but not both. That's just plain mean.

* If you compliment a guy on his six-pack, you'd better be talking about
  his choice of beer.

* Never join your girlfriend or wife in dissing a mate of yours, except if
  she's withholding sex pending your response.

* Phrases that may not be uttered to another man while lifting weights:
  a. Yeah, baby, Push it!
  b. C'mon, give me one more! Harder!
  c. Another set and we can hit the showers!
  d. Nice ass, are you a Sagittarius?

* Never talk to a man in a bathroom unless you are on equal footing - both
  urinating, both waiting in line, etc. For all other situations, an
  almost imperceptible nod is all the conversation you need.

* Never allow a conversation with a woman to go on longer than you are
  able to have sex with her. Keep a stopwatch by the phone. Hang up if
  necessary.