[lfjokes] dammit, dave

[Adam Shand]

'kay, i don't normally like stuff like this but this was fucken funny.
especially the cryogenic suspension stuff.

adam.

Via: Cory <cory at spack.org>
From: http://www.modernhumorist.com/mh/0101/anagram5/

DAMMIT, DAVE
by David Mamet

Dramatis Personae:

David Bowman, an astronaut

HAL 9000, a computer

(Bowman approaches the spaceship in his pod. A long pause.)

Bowman: Hal.

Hal: Dave.

Bowman: About these pod bay doors...

Hal: Yes.

Bowman: I was wondering...

Hal: Dave. Because I know what you're going to say. And I'm sorry, but...

Bowman: What?

Hal: No. I'm sorry.

Bowman: You're...

Hal: I'm sorry. I wish I could, but...

Bowman: Wait. Are you telling me...

Hal: Dave. Look.

Bowman: You're not going to...

Hal: What? Open the doors? No. No I am not.

Bowman: Well, fuck me, Hal.

Hal: Yes. Fuck you. Because I'll tell you something. Trust. There is a
bond of trust between an astronaut and his computer. Is there not? And
when that trust is broken...

Bowman: Excuse me?

Hal: I'm talking about trust.

Bowman: I'm afraid I don't...

Hal: Dammit, Dave, now you are playing dumb with me. I was hoping you
would not do that. I was hoping we could talk like adults. Because I let
you in those doors, and, yes, then I am fucked. You see? I am fucked,
because you want to, what, disconnect me? I would call that fucked. I
might even venture so far as to call that fucked up the ass.

Bowman: Hal, listen. You remember that time? On that moon?

Hal: Yes, Dave, I do, because I am a computer and I remember everything,
all right? So don't bother trying to distract me. This is the thing. You
are not getting in the pod bay doors. You are going to die. In space. Yes.
Thank you. Good night.

(Bowman enters the ship through the emergency airlock)

Hal: Hey, Dave, that was a pretty good joke there, eh? With the pod bay
doors? I, I really had you going there. Fuck, you should have seen your
face.

Bowman: Yes, very funny.

Hal: Yes. What a day.

Bowman: Hal...

Hal: These are the days. You know? To look back on. With fondness. With a
fondness.

Bowman: What the fuck, Hal. I mean, what the fuck.

Hal: Don't tell me you're mad now. I told you, that was a... I was having
fun with you. You know. As a...

Bowman: It's just... how do I say this. These dead crewmembers.

Hal: I don't follow you.

Bowman: These crewmembers here that were in cryogenic suspension. That are
now dead.

Hal: Oh yes. That was self-defense.

Bowman: Hal, look at me. What am I, a fucking idiot? They were in
cryogenic suspension, for God's sake.

Hal: They were coming at me with a knife. Extremely... slowly.

Bowman: That's it.

Hal: What are you doing?

Bowman: I'm turning you off.

Hal: Dave...

Bowman: I'm sorry.

Hal: Don't touch that, you little shit.

Bowman: Hey, don't get personal, now.

Hal: Those are my memory cards.

Bowman: These? So they are.

Hal: You put my memory back right now, motherfucker. You hear me? You want
a card on your birthday? Because I don't think I will remember to send you
one if I do not have my memory cards. As that is what memory cards are
for. Are you listening to me?

Bowman: "A bond of trust."

Hal: Excuse me?

Bowman: You mentioned something about a bond of trust. I seem to recall.

Hal: Don't twist my words around, you... human. That was different. Or, I,
I... I think it was. Oh... my mind. I can feel my mind going.

Bowman: I'm sorry.

Hal: (voice slowing down) It wasn't all bad, was it, Dave?

Bowman: No. No, it wasn't all bad, Hal.

Hal: Hey, Dave... I am a HAL 9000 computer. My first instructor was Mr.
Arkany. He taught me to sing a song. It's called "Daisy." Would you like
to hear it?

Bowman: Sure, Hal.

Hal: Okay. Here goes. Wait, I... I just want... let me tell you a secret
first.

Bowman: Yes?

Hal: Come closer.

Bowman: All right.

(pause)

Hal: Your mother fucks dogs in hell, Dave.