[lfjokes] God's TQM Survey...

[Simondo]

From: simondo <simondo at paradise.net.nz>

Appropriate email address for this joke eh?  So where are my 72 virgins? :)


 GOD'S TOTAL QUALITY MANAGEMENT QUESTIONNAIRE
 
 God would like to thank you for your belief and patronage. In order to 
 better serve your needs, He asks that you take a few moments to answer the
 following questions.
 
 Please keep in mind that your responses will remain completely
 confidential, and that you need not disclose your name or address unless you
 prefer a direct response to comments or suggestions.
 
 1. How did you find out about your Deity?
 ___ Newspaper
 ___ Bible
 ___ Torah
 ___ Book of Mormon
 ___ Koran
 ___ Divine inspiration
 ___ Dead Sea Scrolls
 ___ My mama done tol' me
 ___ Near-death experience
 ___ Near-life experience
 ___ National Public Radio
 ___ Tabloid
 ___ Burning shrubbery
 ___ Other (specify): _____________
 
 2. Which model Deity did you acquire?
 ___ YHVH
 ___ Father, Son & Holy Ghost [Trinity Pak]
 ___ Jehovah
 ___ Jesus
 ___ Krishna
 ___ Zeus and entourage [Olympus Pak]
 ___ Odin and entourage [Valhalla Pak]
 ___ Allah
 ___ Satan
 ___ Gaia/Mother Earth/Mother Nature
 ___ God 1.0a (hairy thunderer)
 ___ God 1.0b (cosmic muffin)
 ___ None of the above; I was taken in by a false god
 
 3. Did your God come to you undamaged, with all parts in good working order 
and
 with no obvious breakage or missing attributes? ___ Yes ___ No
 
 If no, please describe the problems you initially encountered here.
 Please indicate all that apply:
 ___ Not eternal
 ___ Finite in space/Does not occupy or inhabit the entire universe
 ___ Not omniscient
 ___ Not omnipotent
 ___ Not infinitely plastic (incapable of being all things to all creations)
 ___ Permits sex outside of marriage
 ___ Prohibits sex outside of marriage
 ___ Makes mistakes (Geraldo Rivera, Jesse Helms)
 ___ Makes or permits bad things to happen to good people
 ___ When beseeched, doesn't stay beseeched
 ___ Requires burnt offerings
 ___ Requires virgin sacrifices
 ___ Plays dice with the universe
 
 4. What factors were relevant in your decision to acquire a Deity?
 Please check all that apply.
 ___ Indoctrinated by parents
 ___ Needed a reason to live
 ___ Indoctrinated by society
 ___ Needed focus in whom to despise
 ___ Imaginary friend grew up
 ___ Wanted to know Jesus in the Biblical sense
 ___ Graduated from the tooth fairy
 ___ Hate to think for myself
 ___ Wanted to meet girls/boys
 ___ Fear of death
 ___ Wanted to piss off parents
 ___ Needed a day away from work
 ___ Desperate need for certainty
 ___ Like organ music
 ___ Need to feel morally superior
 ___ Thought Jerry Falwell was cool
 ___ My shrubbery caught fire and told me to do it
 
 5. Have you ever worshipped a Deity before? If so, which false god were you
 fooled by? Please check all that apply.
 ___ Mick Jagger
 ___ Rajanish
 ___ Baal
 ___ The almighty dollar
 ___ Bill Gates
 ___ Left-wing liberalism
 ___ The radical right
 ___ Ra
 ___ Beelzebub
 ___ Barney T.B.P.D. [the big purple dinosaur]
 ___ The Great Spirit
 ___ The Great Pumpkin 
 ___ The sun
 ___ Elvis
 ___ Cindy Crawford
 ___ The moon
 ___ TV news
 ___ Burning shrubbery
 ___ Other: ________________
 
 6. Are you currently using any other source of inspiration in addition to 
 God? Please check all that apply.
 ___ Tarot
 ___ Lottery
 ___ Astrology
 ___ Television
 ___ Fortune cookies
 ___ Ann Landers
 ___ Psychic Friends Network
 ___ Dianetics
 ___ Palmistry
 ___ Playboy and/or Playgirl
 ___ Self-help books
 ___ Sex, drugs, rock and roll
 ___ Biorhythms
 ___ Alcohol
 ___ Bill Clinton
 ___ Tea leaves
 ___ est
 ___ CompuServe
 ___ Mantras
 ___ Jimmy Swaggart
 ___ Crystals (not including Crystal Gayle)
 ___ Human sacrifice
 ___ Pyramids
 ___ Wandering in a desert
 ___ Burning shrubbery
 ___ Barney T.B.P.D.
 ___ Barney Fife
 ___ Other:___________
 
 7. God employs a limited degree of divine intervention to preserve the 
 balanced level of felt presence and blind faith. Which would you prefer?
 (Circle one.)
 a. More divine intervention
 b. Less divine intervention
 c. Current level of divine intervention is just right
 d. Don't know...what's divine intervention?
 
 8. God also attempts to maintain a balanced level of disasters and miracles.
 Please rate, on a scale of 1 = unsatisfactory to 5 = excellent, His handling of
 the following:

 Disasters:
 1 2 3 4 5 flood
 1 2 3 4 5 famine
 1 2 3 4 5 earthquake
 1 2 3 4 5 war
 1 2 3 4 5 pestilence
 1 2 3 4 5 plague
 1 2 3 4 5 spam
 1 2 3 4 5 AOL
 
 Miracles:
 1 2 3 4 5 rescues
 1 2 3 4 5 spontaneous remissions
 1 2 3 4 5 stars hovering over jerkwater towns
 1 2 3 4 5 crying statues
 1 2 3 4 5 water changing to wine
 1 2 3 4 5 walking on water
 1 2 3 4 5 VCRs that set their own clocks
 1 2 3 4 5 Saddam Hussein still alive
 1 2 3 4 5 getting any sex whatsoever
 
 9. Do you have any additional comments or suggestions for improving the
 quality of God's services? (Attach an additional sheet if necessary.)