[lfjokes] Jehovah in New Sex Scandal...

[Simondo]

Source: Secular Humanist Bulletin, Volume 14, Number 2.
From: simondo <simondo at paradise.net.nz>


Jehovah in New Sex Scandal

Turmoil rocked Heaven today when it was reported that the god Jehovah had 
an
affair with a former worshipper. The scandal - dubbed "Pearly Gate" by
reporters - began when a 23 year old woman, known only as Mary, claimed 
that
she had given birth to Jehovah's "only begotten son."

Sources close to Mary claim that she "had loved Jehovah for a long time", that
she was constantly talking about her intimate relationship with the god, and
that she was "thrilled to have had his child." However, some doubt was cast 
on
Mary's credibility when she claimed not only to have been a virgin before her
relationship with Jehovah, but declared she was still a virgin even after
giving birth.

Independent Counsel Kenneth Morning-Star (who prefers to be known by his
Latinised name "Lucifer") immediately filed a brief with the Justice Department
to expand his investigation. Lucifer wants to interview three foreign
operatives, known as the "Wise Men", about allegations that Jehovah used 
them
to illegally funnel financial contributions to his illegitimate child. Lucifer
has issued subpoenas to several angels who are rumoured to have acted as
go-betweens in the affair.

Critics have pointed out that these allegations have little to do with the
charges that Lucifer was originally appointed to investigate: that Jehovah had
created large-scale flooding in order to cover up evidence of a failed land
deal. Investigations into the so-called "Flood Water" scandal are still
on-going, but so far scientific investigators have not been able to find any
evidence of the alleged "Great Flood."

In recent months, Lucifer's investigation has been expanded to cover claims
that Jehovah's giveaway of a parcel of public land to a Jewish special interest
group was a quid pro quo for political contributions. Already some leaders of
the Israelite tribes have admitted Jehovah promised them a "land of milk and
honey" in return for unquestioning obedience. The deal ran into trouble when
Jehovah learnt that some tribe members had started paying tribute to rival
gods. The Israelite occupation of the "Promised Land" has also been attacked 
by
rival tribes. But the Israelites have dismissed the rival groups as "a band of
Philistines."

If the "Pearly Gate" allegations prove to be true, they could be a fatal blow
to Jehovah's career, which has been spent crusading for stricter moral
standards and harsher punishments for wrongdoers. Opinion polls show that 
most
public support for Jehovah is based on his "tough-on-crime" campaign to 
enforce
a series of strict "Commandments." Opponents of the ten-point program have
criticised it for neglecting the rehabilitation of criminals, and argued that
the "Name in Vain" Commandment is an unconstitutional restriction on free
speech.

In a press conference this morning, Jehovah's Public Relations Director,
Gabriel, issued a vehement denial of all charges. Gabriel declared "Verily, I
say unto you, no improper sexual relationship existed." Jehovah himself no
longer responds to personal communications, and has refused to appear in 
public
since his ill-tempered interview with the investigative reporter Job.