[lfjokes] 2002 Darwin Awards
Simondo
simondo at paradise.net.nz
Thu Aug 8 07:32:20 EDT 2002
Not confident about these being the 2002 Darwin Awards, cos 2002 ain't
over yet and some look familiar, but I'm too lazy to check out the Darwin
Awards website. :)
simondo
Yes, the one we've all been waiting for... the Darwin Awards 2002. The
candidates have finally been released! For those not familiar with the
Darwin Award, It's an annual honor given to the person who provided the
Universal human gene pool the biggest service by getting KILLED in the
most extraordinarily stupid way. As always, competition this year has
been keen again.
Some candidates appear to have trained their whole lives for this event!
DARWIN AWARD CANDIDATES:
1. In September in Detroit, a 41-year-old man got stuck and drowned in
two feet of water after squeezing head-first through an 18-inch-wide
sewer grate to retrieve his car keys.
2. In October,a 49-year-old San Francisco stockbroker, who "totally zoned
when he ran," accidentally jogged off a 100- foot-high cliff on his daily
run.
3. Buxton, NC: A man died on a beach when an 8-foot-deep hole he had dug
into the sand caved in as he sat inside it. Beach goers said Daniel
Jones, 21, dug the hole for fun, or protection from the wind, and had
been sitting in a beach chair at the bottom Thursday afternoon when it
collapsed, burying him beneath 5 feet of sand. People on the beach, on
the outer banks, used their hands and shovels, trying to claw their way
to Jones, a resident of Woodbridge, VA, but could not reach him. It took
rescue workers using heavy equipment almost an hour to free him while
about 200 people looked on. Jones was pronounced dead at a hospital.
4. In February, Santiago Alvarado, 24, was killed in Lompoc, CA, as he
fell face-first through the ceiling of bicycle shop he was burglarizing.
Death was caused when the long flashlight he had placed in his mouth (to
keep his hands free) rammed into the base of his skull as he hit the
floor.
5. According to police in Dahlonega, GA, ROTC cadet, Nick Berrena, 20,
was stabbed to death in January by fellow cadet Jeffrey Hoffman, 23, who
was trying to prove that a knife could not penetrate the flak vest
Berrena was wearing.
6. Sylvester Briddell, Jr, 26, was killed in February in Selbyville, Del,
as he won a bet with friends who said he would not put a revolver loaded
with four bullets into his mouth and pull the trigger.
7. In February, according to police in Windsor, Ontario, Daniel Kolta,
27, and Randy Taylor, 33, died in a head-on collision, thus earning a tie
in the game of chicken they were playing with their snowmobiles.
DARWIN AWARD HONORABLE MENTIONS
1. In Guthrie, Okla., in October, Jason Heck tried to kill a millipede
with a shot from his 22-caliber rifle, but the bullet ricocheted off a
rock near the hole and hit pal Antonio Martinez in the head, fracturing
his skull.
2. In Elyria, Ohio, in October, Martyn Eskins, attempting to clean out
cobwebs in his basement, declined to use a broom in favor of a propane
torch and caused a fire that burned the first and second floors of his
house.
3. Paul Stiller, 47, was hospitalized in Andover Township, NJ, and his
wife Bonnie was also injured, when a quarter-stick of dynamite blew up in
their car. While driving around at 2 AM, the bored couple lit the
dynamite and tried to toss it out the window to see what would happen,
but apparently failed to notice the window was closed.
RUNNER-UP:
TACOMA, WA - Kerry Bingham, had been drinking with several friends when
one of them said they knew a person who had bungee-jumped from the Tacoma
Narrows Bridge in the middle of traffic. The conversation grew more
heated and at least 10 men trooped along the walkway of the bridge at
4:30 am. Upon arrival at the midpoint of the bridge they discovered that
no one had brought a bungee rope. Bingham, who had continued drinking,
volunteered and pointed out that a coil of lineman's cable lay nearby.
One end of the cable was secured around Bingham's leg and the other end
was tied to the bridge. His fall lasted 40 feet before the cable
tightened and tore his foot off at the ankle. He miraculously survived
his fall into the icy river water and was rescued by two nearby
fishermen. "All I can say," said Bingham, "is that God was watching out
for me on that night. There's just no other explanation for it."
Bingham's foot was never located.
AND THE WINNER:
PADERBORN, GERMANY
Overzealous zookeeper Friedrich Riesfeldt fed his constipated elephant
Stefan, 22 doses of animal laxative and more than a bushel of berries,
figs and prunes before the plugged-up pachyderm finally let fly-and
suffocated the keeper under 200 pounds of poop! Investigators say ill-
fated Friedrich, 46, was attempting to give the ailing elephant an olive
oil enema when the relieved beast unloaded on him. "The sheer force of
the elephant's unexpected defecation knocked Mr. Riesfeldt to the ground,
where he struck his head on a rock and lay unconscious as the elephant
continued to evacuate his bowels on top of him," said flabbergasted
Paderborn police detective Erik Dern. "With no one there to help him, he
lay under all that dung for at least an hour before a watchman came
along, and during that time he suffocated. "It seems to be just one of
those freak accidents that happen."
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