[lfjokes] Santa's a Woman.

[Adam Shand]

Via: Mike Messick <mikem at tridigitalenterprises.com>

I think Santa Claus is a woman....

I hate to be the one to defy sacred myth, but I believe that he, is a she.

Think about it. Christmas is a big, organized, warm, fuzzy, nurturing
social deal, and I have a tough time believing a guy could possibly pull
it all off!

For starters, the vast majority of men don't even think about selecting
gifts until Christmas Eve. It's as if they are all frozen in some kind 
of Ebenezerian Time Warp until 3 p.m. on Dec. 24th, when they--with 
amazing calm--call other errant men and plan for a last-minute shopping 
spree.

Once at the mall, they always seem surprised to find only Ronco 
products, socket wrench sets, and mood rings left on the shelves. (You 
might think this would send them into a fit of panic and guilt, but my 
husband tells me it's an enormous relief because it lessens the 11th 
hour decision-making burden.) On this count alone, I'm convinced Santa 
is a woman.

Surely, if he were a man, everyone in the universe would wake up 
Christmas morning to find a rotating musical Chia Pet under the tree, 
still in the bag.

Another problem for a he-Santa would be getting there. First of all, 
there would be no reindeer because they would all be dead, gutted, and 
strapped on to the rear bumper of the sleigh, amid wide-eyed, desperate 
claims that buck season had been extended. Blitzen's rack would already 
be on the way to the taxidermist.

Even if the male Santa DID have reindeer, he'd still have transportation 
problems because he would inevitably get lost up there in the snow and 
clouds and then refuse to stop and ask for directions.

Add to this the fact that there would be unavoidable delays in the 
chimney, where the Bob Vila-like Santa would stop to inspect and repoint 
bricks in the flue. He would also need to check for carbon monoxide 
fumes in every gas fireplace, and get under every Christmas tree that is 
crooked to straighten it to a perfectly upright 90-degree angle.

Other reasons why Santa can't possibly be a man:

~ Men can't pack a bag.
~ Men would rather be dead than caught wearing red velvet.
~ Men would feel their masculinity is threatened, having to be seen
   with all those elves.
~ Men don't answer their mail.
~ Men would refuse to allow their physique to be described even in
   jest as anything remotely resembling a "bowlful of jelly."
~ Men aren't interested in stockings unless somebody's wearing them.
~ Finally, being responsible for Christmas would require a commitment.

I can buy the fact that other mythical holiday characters are men. 
Father Time shows up once a year unshaven and looking ominous. Definite 
guy. Cupid flies around carrying weapons. Uncle Sam is a politician who 
likes to point fingers. Any one of these individuals could pass the
testosterone-screening test. But not St. Nick. Not a chance.