[lfjokes] Bobs and Lord Of The Rings...

[simondo]

From: nz.comp

Background:  Bobs is a regular on nz.comp with strong views about the
world and a unique style of presenting them.  His review of The Two
Towers is a great demonstration of this and a fairly brutal counterpoint
to the praise that most people seem to be giving the movie.  So sit back
and enjoy.  

More delicate readers might want to skip this -- the language is pretty
fruity :-)

Oh, and happy holidays!

simondo


Well  since my fucking arse of a brother dragged both myself AND my
father to this movie, I thought I would grace you all with my thoughts.
If only to bring some cohesion to my mind which has been utterly
bombarded with the most overhyped pile of shit I've seen in my
reasonably short life. There may be spoilers in here. Frankly I'm too
stunned to care.

First of all I should say I have never read the books. God knows I
tried, but taking a bunch of midget hippies with hairy feet seriously is
like trying to take the NZ Army seriously.  In fact, this is the biggest
problem of this movie. It's fucking ridiculous.  It reminds me of James
Bond in Middle Earth. All the women are weak willed misfits, all the
hobbits are inbred morons with zero natural ability in anything, and the
Elves are all emotionless arrogant cretins. They may as well all apply
for jobs in Star Trek because I'll be damned if I can tell the fucking
difference between Elves and Vulcans.  Do Elves actually HAVE any
personality?

The second problem is the pacing. It's like Jackson said "Fuck my arse,
let's bore everyone to death for the first two hours, and then stick on
some crappy battle scenes at the end". I mean, what the FUCK happened in
the first two hours? Frodo walks around in circles whinging over his
ring like some sort of faggot after a bad nights sex, Gandalf somehow
survives a 1000 foot drop that ends up on a mountain (???) and saves the
day yet again with yet another Deus Ex Machina. And then we have two
utterly useless characters who spend the entire time talking to a
fucking tree. And that's ALL that they do.  It's like some sort of
Revenge of the Hippies flashback. The most feared wizard in all the land
is beaten up by walking foilage.

What a shitty movie. I give it zero stars. In fact, I take away another
star because my arse was numb from such a boring drawn out movie with
all its pointless little subplots. What was the point of the Wormtongue
character? What about the kings son? Why even have the whole possessed
king in the first place? Why not cut that shit out entirely and spare us
30 minutes of an already drawn out film.